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More updates on my latest trip to Moscow will follow this…

Some eye witness reports I have seen on the Russian web claim that the “terrorists” were wearing traditional muslim womenwear (or simply, black cloth covering all but eyes) on the train. That witness must be on some narcotics or having post traumatic stress. Dress up like an Afghan woman on Kabul bazaar and hop on the Moscow Metro; I am sure the loyal babushkas (old Russian laides) would gladly hand you over to the police on the next station, let alone the free roaming skinheads or neo-fascists (I call them the cossupt grandchildren of the generation who fought fascism). So it is almost impossible for a suicide bomber to look like a “suicide bomber from Chechnya” and walk free during a Moscow rush haour (which is the closest audition for the Armageddon). It is also not easy to brand a woman as such, since during rushhour almost every single member of the nations walking on this earth are represented in the Moscow Metro trains: From Nigerians of the African deserts to the deer hunter Yakuts of Siberia. So you cannot say that the woman with black hair is a suicide bomber; otherwise I would be a thousand times blown to pieces before.

As a result, branding the Chechens (although I have no intention to fraternize with them or whatsoever) may not be to blame. First of all, their cause is already lost one, with a stab in the back (the clans which united against the crumbling Red Army and mass decapitated untrained Russian recruits during the 90s, are now fighting a quasi-civil war between themselves and El Presidente Kadyrov is the game master) and the remnant hardline terrorists have been either one by one hunted by FSB (Russian Secret Service or KGB-renamed) in their hideouts in Turkey or the Gulf, or already presented their loyalty to the Russians in fear or gold (You may have seen them fighting fellow Georgians in the latest Ossettian War). These bombing will not , in my opinion, add some popular support to their cause (because the extremist islamic hordes are the bad guys of today). They were already losing ratings after they slaughtered children in Beslan Shootout.

I think of a deep-state bombing frenzy that would make the lazy Russians regain their Stalin-era “consciousness”: Create an enemy (preferrable an internal one), polarize the nation and hide the agenda….that worked before (ask Stalin or even Putin).

Let’s see what they are hiding now. Maybe the oil wells dried up or the natural gas just went natural…I would start saving some foreign currency if I was Russian.

I think someone else was also thinking about the same things; but with more evil deeds. This morning two bombs blasted in two central (and equally crowded) metro stations (lyubyanka and Park Kultury) in Moscow. The result (although not clear yet at the time of writing) is an undeniable carnage.

Note: Lyubyanka metro station is near/under the notorious KGB building…that makes me wonder. And Park Kultury station boats the longest escalator ever (which makes you think you are in a coal mine in Kuzbass), so escape from the blast would be a hard job.

Do passengers applaud after the plane lands?

Do passengers jump out of their seats just after the plane touches down (before the applause, even), grab their bags from the bins and run toward the front? (There is an inverse relationship between the likelihood passengers do this and the importance of the activities those passengers are rushing off the plane to get started doing.)

Are most bags on the carousel swathed in high-tension plastic wrap or held together with packing string? (Again, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of plastic wrap used and the value of the bags’ contents.)

Can you see any signs, advertisements or instructions written in Cyrillic, even though you are in a country that does not use the Cyrillic alphabet? (But! It is axiomatic that if you are in a country that uses Cyrillic, you are in Crapistan. Don’t even try to argue otherwise because you are wrong.)

Are you struck by the talent of local (Chinese!) designers in the medium of Bedazzling?

Pointy shoes. On men (that’s sort of a gimme — if you can’t recognize this, you probably aren’t ready for Crapistan). Shiny suits, too.

Do you see more than ten people carrying rainbow-colored “Rave Girl” plastic shopping bags?

Is Nescafe marketed as a superior alternative to coffee?

Can you buy beer in sidewalk kiosks? In the morning?

Do you fear for your safety? Crapistan is not particularly violent. The biggest danger is becoming collateral damage in a bar fight over prostitutes.

Is the Duty Free shop cash-only?

When I was walking (or actually hopping on 30cms of hard ice on the pavement with -17 degrees weather) in Kiev last week, I came by a FX bureau with latest rates of 8 UAH for 1 USD. Thinking that it as a mere 4,5 UAH for 1 USD made me think that there is almost a 50% devaluation in a couple of months. The upscale restaurants which denied us tables for business dinners last year are now almost empty and, although hard to believe, 3 tip-ambitious waiters tended our table enthusiastically (almost beating Turkish ones) last Friday in a steak restaurant that had only one more table whose guests only drank wine and tasted a single cheeseplate for 5. Where has the glamour of the easy slavomoney gone?

Now back to the gas war. As you all know, Russia polishes its ultimate weapon every time temperature falls below zero: the gas! This is on the headlines for years now, but no sound alternative has broken Europe free from significant dependancy on Russian energy sources. We are used to the bloodless catfight between Russia and Ukraine every year and even the Ukrainians would inevitably welcome another winter with sporadic gas cuts, Russia now hits back his nearest cousin, Belarus, with the same stick.

I have witnessed no animosity in Belarus against Russia and I believe that no uneducated eye can see the differences between any Russian town and a Belorussian one (because there are none at all). The only difference may be that Belorussians are nicer, kinder , more civilized and cuter (Hello to all my colleagues in Minsk!); but Belarus seems not very comfortable with its “the only dictatorship in Europe” position and want to make their showstand against Russia for some benefits (or hopefully some hard cash in crisp euros) from EU. I don’t know what they have received from EU so far except middle aged Italians looking for cheaper paid-sex in Minsk clubs; but it seems that Belarus will be receiving some friendly advice from Uncle Putin this winter in terms of some gas cuts.

Turkish Invasion never concludes an article without a solid suggestion:

Dear Belarussians, dial any Kievan number from the directory and ask how was the last winter, because you will be facing it too. Unless Almighty Lukashenko drills a hole in the pipelines to feed the state funded central heating system….and he needs some big drills since Minsk really gets cold in winter.

Also for those who are still craving some more to read, check this article from Washington Post if you are looking for a better English and a more independent viewpoint (I know I am a Russophile).

…and here is a beautiful comment Dinc received last month (but was too busy or lazy to post)

The strange fact is that one can find almost every good aspect of Syria (food, scenery (most of it desert), chinese products and history) in Southeastern Turkey without adhering to Syrian Hygene and Language. Since Turks are recently behaving like a caged animal because of the visa barriers that almost every civilized nation in the galaxy is imposing, now Syria, with no visas and daily tours, seems like a hot tourist destination. I am sure that many eager tourists will be disappointed to see local sights and sounds that they loathe in their own country and even pay money for this nonsense.

Another thing is the brief moment (what I call a Turkish Hesitation) before introducing yourself to locals. In Russia and Ukraine (and Belarus) the first reaction to my nationality is a mixture of feelings of dislike (I don’t blame them after what we have done after 1991), in Europe it is something like fear (mixed with a bit of disdain) but in Syria (in direct contrast with another Arabic country Egypt) the feelings were almost friendly.

It is true that the distance to the imperial capital always counts in vast empires (like Ottoman Empire) and Syria, which was no less decently governed than an Anatolian region seems to have benefited more than average because it lies as a borderland between the Arabic Realm and the Turkish lands and a first foreign post and watering hole on the way to Hadj. One can see this from the blossoming architecture and the attitude of locals to Turks. In Egypt, where there was a vain vassal state, Ottomans or their puppets ruled with iron fist (with “take all,give none” policy) whereas Syrian locals and merchants benefited from the graces of the imperial trade and culture. That may explain our rather mild conversations with the locals (including the indigenous Turks who were born in Syria but schooled in Mother Turkey).

I am already so bored about writing this country and out of ideas so let’s get to the part where I had most fun. The Q&A’s

Here come the questions bombarded so far to my inbox:

Yes. Since no Arab country is a full fledged democracy or a sensible place to live a sensible life, Syria doesn’t break the rules. Nevertheless, the people seems to be so happy with the government that the millions of state induced photo billboards of Essad family do not suffice the citizens that they handpaint their faces on every stone wall (and some of them look more like Obama than Bashar Essad). Although Turkish Invasion supports democracy or Jedi rule, I think we must leave the Syrians be happy with the demi-god Bashar in office.

A safe return home without the bacteria that is yet to be discovered by modern science. Syrian Hygiene, especially in the toilets, defy any scientific achievement that mankind has made during the last three centuries. If you can manage without toilets, handshakes or touching any hard surfaces, the next best gift would be the Aleppo Sweets (a stylized version of baklava)

Never

An English friend once said “Russia is the Zaire of the North”…I can say that “Syria is the Zaire of Middle East” (without reference to Iraq, which is de facto an American enclave). Think of Israel; delete all Jews (Syrians would love that idea) and abolish all science and production; add dirty toilets and ta-daa you have Syria.

Can you compare Ukraine to Syria? (by Jules and John Sinclair) (My old comrade John is Ukraine’s No1 fan because he thinks Ukraine is more corrupt than his inner mind)

Ukraine has better looking women and Syria does not have women. We recognized that we were not in an artificial male community when we saw some highly colourful women underwear in the local market. (I still think thet they are worn by men though.)

Belarus cannot be compared to any country. It is Belarus (and I love it there)

Yes but they prefer to call it “Suri”. Don’t worry if you have some Turkish liras crammed up somewhere in your pocket; liras rule in Aleppo. The only foreign land where Turkish lira is makes mroe value than the paper it is printed on.

Yes (really) they even butcher camels in the middle of the market so beware of the blood stains on your sneakers after a ride in the market (or Souk as they call it)

Maybe but they prefer to stay lo-profile before their final exams in Israel.

Hummus. I guess this is the best food between Ankara and Addis-Ababa. No need to say that it is vegetarian. The other option is the falafel (deep fried vegetableballs)

…ask Turkish Invasion any more questions and I will be adding to this post.